You’ve just made what you believe is a real bone-headed move. You’re embarrassed. You’re frustrated. You’re angry. So you lash out. “I can’t believe I just did that! I am so stupid!”
OK, now pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself this question: If a boss or coworker or spouse or friend spoke to you that way, would it be OK with you? Would you let it simply pass? Or would you feel hurt, attacked and defensive?
Now ask yourself this question: Why should it matter who the source of such a negative comment is? Does it really hurt less coming from your own mouth than it would from someone else’s? I thought so.
When coaching clients ask me the one thing with the biggest impact on their ability to achieve what they want, nine times out of ten my answer is, “Watch your self-talk.”
Your self-talk falls into two categories. The first category is your internal dialog. The second is things you say to other people in your life about yourself.
If you’re like most people, you have a committee of voices in your head. No, no, that’s not insane. That’s normal, particularly for busy people with lots going on in their lives.
Just as there are two basic modes of self-talk, so there are two basic sets of problems negative self-talk frequently causes in our lives.
When we talk negatively in our heads — when that committee overrules our good judgment or picks on us for making a mistake — we end up finding ourselves attracting into our lives more and more of what we accuse ourselves of being and doing.
If you’re aware of a book and movie called The Secret, the principle that is at the center of that widely popular film is something called the Law of Attraction.
This law says that we get what we focus our attention on.
So if you accuse yourself of being stupid or ugly or fat or unlovable, guess what? You’ll find yourself showing up in your life as stupid, ugly, fat or unlovable.
The second kind of negative self-talk — what we say to others — is equally damaging in its consequences.
How we talk about and present ourselves to others teaches them how we want to be viewed and treated.
What can you do about negative self-talk so that you can reduce its occurrence in your life and avoid the problems it brings with it?
First, you need to become aware of your self-talk. This is more easily said than done. But you can always try to ask yourself after an outburst of negativity, “Is this the message I want to send to these people? Is this the message I want to send to myself?”
If you have someone close to you whom you can trust to help you non-judgmentally, arrange with him or her to give you a subtle secret signal when you are engaging in negative self-talk.
This may help you stop yourself before you complete the sentence. Journaling may also help. (My coaching clients find my Self-Talk Tracker™ helpful in this regard.)
Second, when you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, stop, and re-word the comment in a more positive way.
You don’t have to become a Polyanna about it. It may be difficult (and even feel dishonest) to follow your “I’m so stupid” remark by saying, “No, I’m not. I’m a true genius” even if that happens to be true. But you could say something like, “I didn’t make the best decision in this case. Next time I’ll be more aware of my decisions and make a better choice.” Or perhaps you would feel more comfortable with “I’m smart enough to make a different and better choice the next time I’m in that situation.”
Finally, lighten up on yourself. You made a mistake. Big deal. Everyone makes them. There’s an old saying that the only person who never makes a mistake is the person who never does anything.
You’re living a vibrant and interesting life. Of course you’re going to make mistakes. Learn to laugh at yourself when you do something that you think is really dumb.
This is a big subject. We’ll have more to say about it in a future column.
This article is Copyright 2007 by Heather Shafer. Permission to reprint is granted provided the reprint includes the following notice in a type face and font equivalent to that used for the text of the article:
"This article by Heather Shafer, Certified Dream Coach and life coach whose practice focuses on women who wish to define and achieve dreams and goals, first appeared in 65 Degrees Magazine, the Magazine of the Monterey Peninsula. Heather can be reached by email at heather@insightsandout.com."
Heather Shafer
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We all "know" certain things in life. Sometimes it takes a while for certain things to sink in.
I have not been happy lately with some of the results that I have been "getting" or not getting in my life.
When tonight it really struck me that, in each and every moment we have the opportunity to choose again.
Maybe we can not choose a new outcome for a situation that has already happened, but we can certainly choose a different outlook, sometimes thats really all that is needed anyways!
We can slow down and ask ourselves a question(s) to keep on track for what we are wanting to create for our life. Questions like, is this choice being made from a place of fear, or a place of passion and inspiration?
Is this choice moving me towards the future I want to create, or is it really keeping me where I am right now, or stuck in the past?
Just remember that in any moment we can choose again! Really if you think about it, it really is an amazing thing. We have so many chances and choices, but often are looking around for the "one" we think will be "IT" for us.
What it is true for me is that next time I start to complain about whats not going the way I want, I will remember that I can chose again, and again!
As Always,
Be Yourself
Dream
Evolve
-Heather
www.insightsandout.com
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Be Yourself, Learn to accept others for who they are despite their differences in religion,lifestyle,looks etc....
It doesn't mean you have to understand it.
If you would stop judging for a moment, you might learn something new that could make your life richer.
As Always,
Be Yourself
Dream
Evolve
-Heather
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Starting today I will...
I will take the time to do my meditation and devotion, because it sets the pace for a great day!
Check in with my dreams and take positive action toward my current dream of building up my coaching business full time, even if it's a small action. If it is done with a focused intention then no action will be too small.
I will slow down and eat on a concise level,( I will start this process with at least one meal today) in order to start nourishing my body in the way it deserves, because it is an important part of living my purpose.
Be Yourself
Dream
Evolve
-Heather
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I can feel my world changing and opening up to so many possibilities. I am not even sure how or what it will look like or when exactly it will happen. I just know that it's there when the time is right and I am ready to see it.
I have faith that it will unfold in just the way it's supposed to, even if I do not always understand it or know what to do with it at first ..
Most of all , I want to enjoy the journey as it unfolds and not look so long for what I think it "should" look like that I miss what it is...
Be Yourself
Dream
Evolve
-Heather
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September 2009 
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